1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,265 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:53,662 ♪♪ [slow jazz] 3 00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:55,185 [knocking] 4 00:00:55,229 --> 00:00:56,447 RADAR: Major? 5 00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:59,450 [record skipping] 6 00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:05,152 [knocking] 7 00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:06,675 Major, ma'am? 8 00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:08,416 ♪♪ [continues] 9 00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:31,917 [record stops] 10 00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:47,846 -Major? -Aah! 11 00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:49,196 Aah! 12 00:01:49,239 --> 00:01:51,589 How dare you paw me! 13 00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:53,504 I didn't paw you! I pawed your book! 14 00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:55,637 -You're going on report! -For what? 15 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,421 For uncovering an officer's leg! 16 00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,944 Ma'am, I never touched your leg! 17 00:01:58,988 --> 00:02:00,642 Your leg was naked when I came in! 18 00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:02,818 How dare you say "naked" to me! 19 00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:04,298 Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. 20 00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:05,864 Stop staring at my leg! 21 00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:07,649 I'm not! I am! 22 00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:09,955 Don't you wish you could all the time... 23 00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,957 stare at it, and touch it, and feel it! 24 00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:13,481 Oh, no, ma'am. 25 00:02:13,524 --> 00:02:15,091 You don't find it attractive? 26 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,137 Oh, yes, ma'am. It's a beautiful leg. 27 00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:18,442 -You think so? -Yes. 28 00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:20,052 It reminds me of my pony back home, 29 00:02:20,096 --> 00:02:22,229 -only his hair's brown. -Out! Get out! 30 00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:23,795 Wait a minute! Come back here! 31 00:02:23,839 --> 00:02:25,928 -What do you want? -Oh, yeah. 32 00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,886 There's an ambulance coming in. They want you to scrub. 33 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,540 -Don't touch that! -Oh, gee. 34 00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:31,673 Just leave this tent exactly the way you found it. 35 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:34,415 -You got it. -Exactly! 36 00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,330 ♪♪ [resumes] 37 00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,077 [tires screeching] 38 00:02:50,605 --> 00:02:52,694 -What do we got here, Radar? -Road accident. 39 00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:54,696 This country's a course in creative killing. 40 00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:57,307 -X-rays here, Radar. -Take him to X-ray. 41 00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:59,570 Careful with him. He may have busted ribs. 42 00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:01,093 What have we got here? 43 00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:02,573 Come on. More X-rays. 44 00:03:02,617 --> 00:03:03,966 Right. Follow him. 45 00:03:04,009 --> 00:03:05,228 Right femur here. 46 00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:09,493 Looks like Saturday night at the speedway. 47 00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:10,973 -Everything under control? -So far. 48 00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:12,235 B.J.: Be careful. Watch it. 49 00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:13,497 You sure know how to make a doctor crazy. 50 00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:16,239 I may write you an obscene prescription. 51 00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:18,415 Fracture. Ankle fractured. 52 00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:20,504 Gonna check for possible skull fracture. 53 00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:22,724 We got knocked off the road by a tank, Doc. 54 00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,073 He just kept going. 55 00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,293 A clear case of crush and run. 56 00:03:26,336 --> 00:03:27,903 It was one of ours. 57 00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:29,644 We were goin' up north with Colonel Chaffey, 58 00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,428 and wham! 59 00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:33,430 The tank crowds us right into an embankment. 60 00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,693 How can Americans do that to each other? 61 00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:37,782 Ever see Gone With the Wind? 62 00:03:37,826 --> 00:03:39,436 I'll take care of that for him, Doc. 63 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,698 He gets it when he goes. 64 00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:41,960 -Radar. -Yo. 65 00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:43,266 Colonel Chaffey's bats about that gun. 66 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,659 He'll get a receipt for it. 67 00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:45,964 It's S.O.P., soldier. 68 00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:47,488 Okay, guys, let's move him out. 69 00:03:47,531 --> 00:03:48,663 Whatever you say, Commodore. 70 00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:49,751 -Sirs. -Look out. 71 00:03:53,015 --> 00:03:55,887 MAN [on P.A.]: Nurse Plummer, report to the O.R. 72 00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:57,367 Nurse Plummer, please. 73 00:03:57,411 --> 00:03:59,326 Nurse Gage to X-ray. 74 00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:02,851 Second post-op shift, please report at 0500 hours. 75 00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,940 POTTER: More people hurt by vehicles 76 00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:07,072 than anything else in battle. That's a fact. 77 00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:08,683 Let me know if this hurts. 78 00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:11,729 I almost bought it that way in World War I. 79 00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:13,862 I was taking a nap on the side of a hill 80 00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:17,344 when I heard a low rumbling I took to be distant artillery. 81 00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:20,085 I looked up just in time to roll out of the path 82 00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:22,784 of a breakaway portable latrine. 83 00:04:22,827 --> 00:04:25,265 -They didn't really have those. -HAWKEYE: Absolutely. 84 00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:27,484 America had the first armored men's room. Right, Colonel? 85 00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:29,834 You're a bigger liar than I am. 86 00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:31,836 How's our colonel doing? 87 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,447 Broken ankle. 88 00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,623 Reckon he'll have to rest up in the fort for a spell. 89 00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:37,625 He came in totin' a six-shooter. 90 00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:39,496 Chrome, with a bone grip. 91 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,542 The kind we used to sign Indian treaties with. 92 00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:44,196 My uncle Claude collected fancy guns. 93 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,720 He was cleaning them one day 94 00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,722 when his prized piece went off. 95 00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:49,332 The bullet severed his foot, 96 00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:52,335 kept going across the room, and killed the cat. 97 00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,381 They buried Tabby in one shoe box 98 00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,296 and Uncle Claude's toe in another. 99 00:04:57,862 --> 00:04:59,821 Really. 100 00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:03,564 Isn't a G.I.-issue handgun enough for these army types? 101 00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,305 If you like packing hardware, 102 00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:07,611 you're always looking for a unique weapon. 103 00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,657 So you can play soldier while you're playing soldier. 104 00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,311 My father wouldn't let me have any toy 105 00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:13,138 that even looked like a gun. 106 00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:15,358 I was miserable till I discovered dolls. 107 00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:18,622 I shot a bear once... in the penny arcade. 108 00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:21,321 I wanted to break through that glass and fix up his shoulder. 109 00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,845 -Hawk, you were a sensitive child. -Oh, yes. 110 00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:26,761 I studied the violin till I beat up the teacher. 111 00:05:26,804 --> 00:05:28,893 That hurt you yet? 112 00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,939 I must be ready to get my license. 113 00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:34,464 Attention, Major Burns. Attention, Major Houlihan. 114 00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:36,466 Together again. 115 00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,642 Majors Burns and Houlihan to the compound, please. 116 00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:40,035 If you liked them in the laundry room, 117 00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:41,341 you'll love them in the compound. 118 00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:48,130 -Oops. Sorry, dear. -It's okay, honey. 119 00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:49,610 Gimme that, you nut! 120 00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:53,396 Frank, you've got to set an example. 121 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,093 Listen. I was sound asleep, 122 00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:56,747 and suddenly there's all these wounded. 123 00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:58,836 I mean... It's nearly midnight. 124 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,534 Why can't they fight from 9:00 to 6:00? 125 00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:03,014 Maybe the next war, Frank. Maybe the next. 126 00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:07,802 Can you pray somewhere else, Father? 127 00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,543 You're genuflecting right in the way. 128 00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:11,283 Well, I was only offering a bit of comfort. 129 00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:13,460 I'll call you when it's time for kindness. 130 00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:17,420 Okay, start an I.V. Two units of plasma. 131 00:06:17,464 --> 00:06:18,726 Klinger! 132 00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:20,380 Come on, pal. Give me the gun. 133 00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:22,120 You'll get it back, honest. 134 00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,557 Hey, what's the ruckus here? 135 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,123 He won't let go of it, sir. 136 00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:26,734 Oh, good for you, son. 137 00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:28,475 A soldier's best friend is his gun. 138 00:06:28,518 --> 00:06:30,564 You take care of it, and it'll take care of you. 139 00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,740 -He's unconscious, sir. -That's all right. He understands. 140 00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:34,524 Maybe if I was, I would. 141 00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:35,917 Did you call, ma'am? 142 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,266 First litter. Ward three. 143 00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:40,269 Okay, chest, head injuries. 144 00:06:40,312 --> 00:06:43,141 -Those are your best things. -Oh. 145 00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,534 -Coming through. -Here. 146 00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,667 Let me help. The gun bin's on my way. 147 00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:47,842 Thank you, sir. 148 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,019 -Move your can! -What? 149 00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:52,324 Move your can, sir. 150 00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:54,326 I'll remember that, doggie breath. 151 00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:00,855 -This will just take a minute, sir. -Oh, it's all right. 152 00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,291 I can't start till Pierce and Hunnicutt 153 00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:03,510 finish showing off in surgery. 154 00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:08,166 You think you got enough keys there, Corporal? 155 00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:10,125 Oh, I need 'em all, sir. 156 00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:12,214 This one's to Colonel Potter's office. 157 00:07:12,257 --> 00:07:14,085 This is oats for his horse. 158 00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:16,566 Oh, this one's to my bike in Iowa. 159 00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,046 Every time my sister borrows it, 160 00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:19,700 uh, the chain slips. 161 00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:21,092 Here we go. 162 00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:23,965 What's that? 163 00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:26,620 Yeah, how about that? Ain't that something? 164 00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,099 It's a gun, sir. 165 00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:29,449 A colonel's gun. 166 00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:30,885 It just came in tonight. 167 00:07:33,627 --> 00:07:35,803 Oh, that's an old beauty. 168 00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,369 Yes, sir. 169 00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:39,894 Man, that feels good. 170 00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:43,027 Perfectly balanced. 171 00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,507 [as John Wayne] Ya better believe it, Mister, 172 00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:47,467 or you're dead where you stand. 173 00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:48,946 Who's that supposed to be? 174 00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:51,514 -John Wayne. -John Wayne? 175 00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,385 He doesn't sound anything like you. 176 00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:54,996 No, sir. 177 00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:57,346 Oh, that's a dandy piece. 178 00:07:57,389 --> 00:08:00,828 Yes, sirree Bob, that's one shootin' iron. 179 00:08:03,221 --> 00:08:05,528 Eh, you've, uh, better put her to bed, Corporal. 180 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:06,486 Yes, sir. 181 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:10,925 [whistling] 182 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,934 Shouldn't you be getting back to surgery, sir? 183 00:08:19,977 --> 00:08:22,327 I'm sure in the dull part of the war. 184 00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,553 How do you feel this morning, Colonel Chaffey? 185 00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,207 Oh, about like you'd expect 186 00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:33,861 after losing an argument with a tank. 187 00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:35,210 We checked on your jeep. 188 00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:36,777 -Flattened? -B.J.: Mm-hmm. 189 00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:38,256 They're shipping it to your house 190 00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:39,649 and slipping it under the door. 191 00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:41,042 You're in our "lucky to be alive" department. 192 00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,565 How about my men? 193 00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,698 Okay, give or take a few fractures. 194 00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,874 Are you the one that fixed me up? 195 00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:49,746 I just held the ball. He did the punting. 196 00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:52,488 I'd like to show you my appreciation. 197 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,229 Maybe you could end the war a day or two sooner. 198 00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:56,405 We're not allowed to take cash. 199 00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,363 I'll do my best. 200 00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:00,583 Oh, hey, Doc, um, when I came in, 201 00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:03,586 I was wearing a gun, a Colt .45. 202 00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,283 Not to worry. 203 00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,590 The receipt for that gun is right in here. 204 00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:08,983 Oh, thanks, Doc. 205 00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:10,506 I wouldn't want to lose that baby. 206 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:11,986 We think of everything. 207 00:09:12,029 --> 00:09:13,509 When you're ready, we even stamp your hand, 208 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,076 and you get right back into battle. 209 00:09:17,426 --> 00:09:19,210 -[knocking] -Ah, who is it? 210 00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:22,039 -FRANK: That "Major" person. -Come in. 211 00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:24,041 Exercising? 212 00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:25,303 Yoga. 213 00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:27,131 It's changing my whole life, Frank. 214 00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:29,656 I feel so vital and alive! 215 00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,701 You ought to try it. Get your blood moving. 216 00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,616 I don't need it, you little Hindu. 217 00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:36,227 -I've got you. Ahhh. -Roughneck. 218 00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:37,794 Ow! What is that? 219 00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:40,623 Oh, sorry, sweets. I forgot I was packing this. 220 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,059 How about these apples, huh? 221 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:46,150 Frank, it's gorgeous! A Colt.45. 222 00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:48,239 1884! Dad had one just like this! 223 00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:49,589 Where did you get it? 224 00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:50,894 Well, I've had it for years. 225 00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,026 I finally sent for it. 226 00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:54,071 I just, uh, missed my old pal. 227 00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:56,204 Why don't you wear it as a regular side arm? 228 00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:57,901 Oh, it looks smashing. 229 00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,337 Oh, it's not for every day. 230 00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:00,948 Instead of your service .45. 231 00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:02,906 Oh, wear it, Frank. It's adorable! 232 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:05,126 No, I think I'll keep it under wraps for a while. 233 00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:06,649 And-and-and don't say anything. 234 00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,346 E-everyone's jealous enough as it is. 235 00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:11,828 Oh, I know. Oh, what a surprise. 236 00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:14,657 Who'd have thought you had a revolver like old Dad? 237 00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,354 [both chuckling] 238 00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,750 Okay, let's see... 239 00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:23,579 6-9-2-3-4-8-3-3. 240 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,842 Just a sec. 241 00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:28,453 [jet roaring] 242 00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:29,759 Boy, sometimes it feels like they're flying 243 00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,152 in your ear and out the other. 244 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,939 Four-eight-three-three... 245 00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:38,333 Here you go, guy. Just like you left it. 246 00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,162 Thanks, Corporal. 247 00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:42,642 You're welcome. Take care. 248 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,125 Holy moley! 249 00:10:58,309 --> 00:11:00,442 B.J.: What's Stars and Stripeshave to say this morning, Colonel? 250 00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:03,227 Eighty cadets were just expelled from West Point 251 00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:04,751 for cheating on their exams. 252 00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:06,753 They should all be sentenced to this breakfast. 253 00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,537 I'm sure sick of this powdered stuff. 254 00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,582 Colonel, couldn't we once have fresh eggs? 255 00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:12,802 Only if you can lay 'em. 256 00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:15,326 Ask a foolish question... 257 00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:19,026 Well, at least one of you still remembers his manners. 258 00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:22,812 Not at all. My shorts were just riding up on me. 259 00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:25,815 Says here Eisenhower's spending a lot of time playing golf. 260 00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,643 More fun than playing President. 261 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,951 -What's his handicap? -A lot of people say Nixon. 262 00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,214 -Colonel. -That's me, Radar. 263 00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:35,085 Sir, I have something to report 264 00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:37,348 that I wish I could do almost anything else instead of 265 00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:39,002 but which I guess I got no choice. 266 00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:43,528 Radar, if you bring that sentence in for a fitting, 267 00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:45,356 I can have it shortened by Wednesday. 268 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,402 One of the casualties, son? 269 00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,360 No, sir. 270 00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:52,668 You know that Colonel Chaffey's gun, the fancy job... 271 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,671 -bone grips, shiny barrel? -Yes. 272 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,412 -It's gone. -Stolen? 273 00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,153 It's out of the gun bin. 274 00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:00,937 Anybody but you handle the keys? 275 00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:03,418 They never leave me. I sleep with them. 276 00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:04,767 I shower with them. 277 00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,682 Rusty they'll never get. 278 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,597 When did you see the gun last? 279 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,468 Last night, Major Burns and I stored some rifles. 280 00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:17,040 What are they starin' at? 281 00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:19,042 Don't worry. From that angle, 282 00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:20,957 they can't see under the table. 283 00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:25,832 He couldn't have taken it, sir. 284 00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,311 We both left together. 285 00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:29,661 Someone must have lifted your keys. 286 00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:31,663 I never should have gone to sleep. 287 00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:33,100 You can't stay awake for the duration, Radar. 288 00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:34,666 Even MacArthur went to sleep. 289 00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,712 Only when he was being given orders. 290 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,714 Radar, we'll turn the camp inside out. 291 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,063 If it's here, we'll find it. 292 00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:41,499 We're not gonna let you spend 293 00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:44,024 15 years in the stockade. 294 00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:45,590 15 years, sir? 295 00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:47,462 Well, that's what you can get for this. 296 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,771 I'll be in my 30s. 297 00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:54,512 That's almost dead. 298 00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,735 -Father. -Colonel. 299 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,172 Is it possible to pray for a revolver? 300 00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:04,348 A gun? 301 00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:06,176 You want to pray for a gun? 302 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:09,353 -That's right. -Is it at least American? 303 00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:11,791 Thanks. 304 00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,706 Colonel Chaffey? 305 00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:17,057 I'm Colonel Potter, C.O. Of the hospital. 306 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:19,146 Oh, and a fine one it is, Colonel. 307 00:13:19,189 --> 00:13:20,669 You've taken good care of a lot of my people. 308 00:13:20,712 --> 00:13:22,497 We've got a pretty good life-and-limb shop here, 309 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,108 but I, for one, wouldn't mind goin' out of business. 310 00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:26,544 Lots of headaches? 311 00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:28,024 I've got one right now 312 00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:29,852 that you may have to take an aspirin for. 313 00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:31,811 Your gun is missing. 314 00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:33,725 Damn it! I had a feeling that that-- 315 00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:35,771 Stolen from the gun bin. 316 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,034 -Well, have you searched the base? -Thoroughly. 317 00:13:38,078 --> 00:13:40,776 We've confiscated a ton of moonshine equipment, 318 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,473 a three-day-pass printing press, 319 00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:44,084 and a cockfight training camp. 320 00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:46,042 -But no gun. -Not yet. 321 00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,915 Well, who was in charge of the gun bin? 322 00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:51,134 -A corporal. -Corporal who? 323 00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:55,225 What was the non-com-poop's name? 324 00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:56,357 O'Reilly. 325 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,662 I want him, Colonel. 326 00:13:57,706 --> 00:13:59,186 I'll get him. 327 00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,535 Not the whole corporal. 328 00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:02,929 Just his head... on a platter! 329 00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:08,848 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. Attention. 330 00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,676 Tonight's movie is Kansas City Confidential. 331 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,418 This will be of special interest to anyone who missed it 332 00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,986 when it was shown every night this month. 333 00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:18,901 -Hi, Frank. -That's what you think. 334 00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:20,816 -Got a minute, Frank? -For what? 335 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,426 -Nothing really. -Oh, you can have all that you want. 336 00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:23,906 Ha ha ha ha ha! 337 00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:26,169 -No funny stuff. -Us? Frank! 338 00:14:26,213 --> 00:14:27,562 Last time we were alone, 339 00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:28,911 you whitewashed my behind. 340 00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,347 We've given up still lifes, Frank. 341 00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:32,828 Take five, fellas. 342 00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:37,833 Well, what do you want? 343 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,226 I mean, if it's money, I'm strapped myself. 344 00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:40,749 We know, Frank. 345 00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,098 You're sending 11 nephews through ballet school. 346 00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:43,752 -It isn't money. -Oh, good. 347 00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:44,927 -It's about a gun. -I haven't touched it. 348 00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:46,798 -Touched what? -The gun. 349 00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:48,409 -Which gun? -Whichever one you're talking about. 350 00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,237 -Let us describe it. -Oh, that's fair enough. 351 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,716 That way you'll know what you're talking about. 352 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,066 That's not really necessary for me. 353 00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:54,937 -Eh, it helps us. -Eh, suit yourself. 354 00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,330 [air hissing] 355 00:14:57,809 --> 00:14:59,507 -The gun. -A collector's item. 356 00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,944 -An old western six-shooter. -The steel is chromed. 357 00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:03,511 -With bone handles. -Right. 358 00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,295 -And I haven't seen it! -Radar says you did. 359 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,080 That miserable, little fink. 360 00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,777 He's a dirty, rotten fibber! 361 00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,344 It's congenital. 362 00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:12,085 He's incapable of telling the truth. 363 00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,477 Radar is a fibber? 364 00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:15,131 That's right, a born liar. 365 00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:16,480 -Radar? -Yes! 366 00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:17,960 He says you didn't take it. 367 00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:20,093 Well, why would he lie? 368 00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,790 -Frank. -Well, what more do you want? 369 00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,444 You've got his word against mine, and-- 370 00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:26,926 Frank, if that gun doesn't turn up, 371 00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:29,929 Colonel Chaffey is gonna chuck Radar in the stockade. 372 00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,800 I'm very fond of Radar, Frank. 373 00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:34,107 He's both the child and pet I never had. 374 00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:35,630 Well, what's that to me? 375 00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:37,762 Frank, we know how you appreciate guns. 376 00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:39,895 Isn't it possible, if you saw a unique old weapon, 377 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,592 you might just want to borrow it for a while, 378 00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:43,812 -just to study it? -That's not what happened! 379 00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:45,118 And then you just couldn't get it back in time 380 00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,641 to get the heat off Radar? 381 00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:50,297 Frank, don't make us get the whitewash. 382 00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:53,953 Radar is innocent until proven guilty. 383 00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:55,650 -Correct? -Correct. 384 00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:56,999 But he and only he seems to be entitled 385 00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,045 to that sort of consideration. 386 00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,394 Correct? 387 00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:03,571 Hah! 388 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,227 Don't you hate it when he's right? 389 00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:08,445 Hmm. 390 00:16:08,489 --> 00:16:11,057 ♪♪ [ragtime] 391 00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:20,501 Boy, you really gotta watch out for yourself in the army. 392 00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:22,720 I found that out, boy. 393 00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:24,940 It's every man for himself. 394 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,247 -How many beers you had? -One. 395 00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:32,513 -Take it easy, huh? -It's okay. 396 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,471 I know just when to throw up. 397 00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:39,346 Yeah, in the service, you got to cover up your you-know-what, 398 00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:42,523 or you'll get it kicked. 399 00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:45,656 You'll get your rear end kicked right in the butt. 400 00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,223 You're telling me? 401 00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:50,618 You're probably the only guy who understands. 402 00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:54,143 I don't know how I smile through the makeup. 403 00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:56,493 I just hope whoever swiped that gun 404 00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:58,756 has a lot of fun with it. 405 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,107 I hope he has a lot of fun with it 406 00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,805 while I'm spending 15 years in the stockade. 407 00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:06,242 Ah, you ain't spending no 15 years. 408 00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:09,028 15 years. 409 00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:13,075 By the time I get out, I'll be a hardened "crinimal." 410 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,686 Take it easy. You're getting yourself all "morosed" up. 411 00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:17,601 First they'll bust me, 412 00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:20,343 and then they'll take away my stripes. 413 00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:24,043 Do you know how proud I was to get them? 414 00:17:24,086 --> 00:17:27,263 There's 400 kids in my old high school-- 415 00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:28,612 Ottumwa Central. 416 00:17:30,005 --> 00:17:32,703 Ottumwa. Give me an O. 417 00:17:32,747 --> 00:17:36,316 Give me a T-T-T. 418 00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:38,579 When I made corporal after basic training, 419 00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:42,452 I sent every one of them a picture of me in my stripes. 420 00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:46,021 I sat in one of those four-for-a-quarter booths 421 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:50,069 and took 400 pictures of myself. 422 00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,896 It cost me 25 bucks, 423 00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,464 and I had to sit there for 16 hours. 424 00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:57,206 But everyone got a picture. 425 00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:58,729 And now they can just tear them up 426 00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:00,949 because my corporal days are over. 427 00:18:03,604 --> 00:18:05,084 15 years. 428 00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:10,263 My earthworms will be dead and buried. 429 00:18:11,786 --> 00:18:14,397 Things don't happen till they do, you know? 430 00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:16,051 15 years! 431 00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:21,535 I'm going to jail in my puberty, 432 00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:24,233 and I won't come out till my adultery. 433 00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:30,370 [clears throat] 434 00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,807 Attention, please. Colonel Potter speaking. 435 00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:35,853 The result of our search for the missing Colt .45 436 00:18:35,897 --> 00:18:38,639 has been one big goose egg. 437 00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:42,338 The consequences can be serious. 438 00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:45,254 If whoever stole the missing gun will give it back, 439 00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:48,170 there will be no questions asked. 440 00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:52,392 Your cooperation will be more than greatly appreciated. 441 00:18:52,435 --> 00:18:53,828 Thank you. 442 00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:58,311 Ahhh. 443 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,431 -[crash] -Rats! 444 00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:25,528 [keys jingle] 445 00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:35,930 These are probably for his dumb bicycle. 446 00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:50,597 Excuse me, sir, Colonel. 447 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,120 What is it? 448 00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:54,644 My name is Radar O'Reilly. 449 00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:58,431 I'm the guy who had his picture taken for 16 hours for nothin' 450 00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:00,476 on account of your gun. 451 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,436 So you're the man responsible. 452 00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:05,220 Yes, I am. 453 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,482 And I've got something to say, 454 00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:09,311 no respect intended. 455 00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:12,706 What do you need a gun like that for anyway? 456 00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:14,969 Corporal, you're drunk. 457 00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:17,276 [as John Wayne] You better believe it, Mister, 458 00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:19,234 or I'm dead where you stand. 459 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,888 [gunshot] 460 00:21:22,411 --> 00:21:23,891 My bear went off! 461 00:21:26,894 --> 00:21:29,113 Father! Was that a shot I just heard? 462 00:21:29,157 --> 00:21:31,681 It may have been. It sounded like it. 463 00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:34,641 But I don't want to start any unsubstantiated rumors. 464 00:21:34,684 --> 00:21:35,946 But that's the scuttlebutt. 465 00:21:37,426 --> 00:21:38,558 Thank you, Father. 466 00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:43,302 -[knocking] -Who is it? 467 00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:44,564 FRANK: It's me, Margaret. 468 00:21:44,607 --> 00:21:47,262 -Open this stupid door! -Frank, what? 469 00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,481 I've been wounded, Margaret. 470 00:21:48,524 --> 00:21:50,439 -Help me. -Frank, where? 471 00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:54,965 In the foot. I was... cleaning my gun... the Colt... 472 00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:56,358 and it accidentally went off. 473 00:21:56,402 --> 00:21:58,665 Frank, that's not your gun. 474 00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:00,841 I was passing the supply room, 475 00:22:00,884 --> 00:22:04,061 and I saw someone trying to put the colonel's gun back in the bin, 476 00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:05,367 and I jumped him. 477 00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:07,456 We struggled, and he shot me! 478 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:08,979 Or they did. 479 00:22:09,023 --> 00:22:10,372 He may have been more than one person. 480 00:22:10,416 --> 00:22:12,461 -Careful. -Okay, okay. 481 00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:15,986 -Oh. -It just nicked the side. 482 00:22:16,030 --> 00:22:18,249 [whimpering] Well, it hurts, Margaret. 483 00:22:18,293 --> 00:22:20,469 It may not look bad, but it's killing me. 484 00:22:20,513 --> 00:22:22,384 I have a low threshold of pain. 485 00:22:22,428 --> 00:22:25,039 A hemorrhoid can put me into a coma. 486 00:22:25,082 --> 00:22:26,345 -Frank. -Hmm? 487 00:22:26,388 --> 00:22:29,826 -You stole that Colt! -I never! 488 00:22:29,870 --> 00:22:31,654 It's just that I appreciate guns, 489 00:22:31,698 --> 00:22:33,395 and it's a unique, old weapon. 490 00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:35,354 So I wanted to borrow it... to study! 491 00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:38,792 And then people misunderstood, so I put it back. 492 00:22:38,835 --> 00:22:40,837 Only the key wouldn't fit, and it was dark. 493 00:22:40,881 --> 00:22:42,143 You lied to me, Frank! 494 00:22:42,186 --> 00:22:44,232 That's worse than stealing. 495 00:22:44,275 --> 00:22:46,800 Well, I happen to think stealing is worse than lying. 496 00:22:46,843 --> 00:22:48,628 And you did both! 497 00:22:48,671 --> 00:22:51,021 So I ought to know. 498 00:22:51,065 --> 00:22:53,284 Oh, my foot is throbbing, Margaret. 499 00:22:53,328 --> 00:22:54,721 Oh, all right. 500 00:22:54,764 --> 00:22:56,287 -I'll get some dressing. -No, please, later. 501 00:22:56,331 --> 00:22:58,289 Let it quiet down out there first. 502 00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:00,640 Ohhh. 503 00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:04,034 I did a terrible thing, Margaret. 504 00:23:04,078 --> 00:23:07,342 Oh, it's all right now. 505 00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,996 I should have known better. 506 00:23:09,039 --> 00:23:11,172 Well, at least you regret it. 507 00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:12,739 Oh, never again. 508 00:23:12,782 --> 00:23:14,393 When you steal something, 509 00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:16,830 don't ever try to return it. 510 00:23:23,184 --> 00:23:24,533 Sir. 511 00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:25,926 Corporal, I'm glad we were together 512 00:23:25,969 --> 00:23:27,667 when my gun was found. 513 00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:29,408 Couldn't have proved better that you were guiltless. 514 00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:32,193 And that I didn't do it either, sir. 515 00:23:32,236 --> 00:23:34,108 Colonel, as one old soldier to another, 516 00:23:34,151 --> 00:23:36,415 I'd lose that revolver. It's a troublemaker. 517 00:23:36,458 --> 00:23:37,851 What do you suggest? 518 00:23:37,894 --> 00:23:39,592 Drop it in the sea. Give it to a museum. 519 00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:41,768 Put it under glass somewhere. 520 00:23:41,811 --> 00:23:45,554 It's my gun. I'll keep it till I die. 521 00:23:45,598 --> 00:23:47,774 And it won't surprise me a bit. 522 00:23:47,817 --> 00:23:49,384 -Adios. -So long. 523 00:23:51,908 --> 00:23:53,257 Feel better, Radar? 524 00:23:53,301 --> 00:23:55,434 Except for my hangover, sir. 525 00:23:55,477 --> 00:23:57,261 Everything's all jumpy and blurry. 526 00:23:57,305 --> 00:23:58,480 I didn't have a drink, 527 00:23:58,524 --> 00:24:00,047 and I got the same problem. 528 00:24:25,768 --> 00:24:28,467 What's the matter, Frank? Kick a brick under a derby? 529 00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:30,686 Maybe the gout, all that rich food. 530 00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:33,907 Oh, it's, uh, an old football injury, if you must know. 531 00:24:33,950 --> 00:24:35,822 It acts up once in a while. 532 00:24:35,865 --> 00:24:37,519 I wouldn't use a bandage, Frank. 533 00:24:37,563 --> 00:24:39,129 The powder burns will heal faster that way. 534 00:24:39,173 --> 00:24:41,784 Well, of course they will. I know that. 535 00:24:41,828 --> 00:24:45,309 Powder burns? What are you implying? 536 00:24:45,353 --> 00:24:47,094 Nothing, Frank. 537 00:24:47,137 --> 00:24:49,836 It was just a shot in the dark. 538 00:24:56,277 --> 00:24:57,844 Check. 539 00:24:57,887 --> 00:24:58,975 Ah. 540 00:24:59,019 --> 00:25:00,020 Ha ha ha ha! 541 00:25:04,851 --> 00:25:06,766 ♪♪ [theme]